DISCOVERING YOUR RELATIONSHIP CURRENCY PART 2

FOUR RELATIONAL DISPOSITIONS

People show up in different ways. We show up in different ways. Our aim is to be authentic in who we are, how we show up, and how people experience us.

We have four relational dispositions.

100% – What you see is what you get. There are no two faces for you. You are not one person in public and another in private. There is no secret life that you are ashamed of. They are shame-free. People know your values and what you stand for and where they stand in relation to you. There is no hypocrisy. This does not mean that they bear their hearts to everyone. It means they are authentic in their personality and relate to you with integrity. Eg) If they are not comfortable sharing something, they will tell you.

75% – Is a person who can be 100% but sometimes will not show all of themselves to you if trust has not been established or they are not feeling safe in a situation. If it is a new friendship, they could be guarded and then let their guard down over a period.

50% – Are people who walk in the shadows. You are not sure where you stand in relation to them and you are unclear about who they are?  It gives the appearance of being for you but are not really so. You are often confused by their behavior because their talk and walk don’t match. They say one thing and do another.

25%- These people have huge masks and walls. They do not let anyone into their heart.  They can be fake or very frozen and robotic when it comes it an interpersonal relationship. They will not let you know how they feel. They can show different to different people.

There are many reasons why we show up this way – it could be past hurts, abuse, someone let you down really badly, family/cultural norms of distrust, and much more. If we have not experienced healthy love and affection as a child that can affect our bonding as adults. It affects our grid from which we build relationships.

WHAT ARE THE INDICATORS THAT PEOPLE HAVE A HIGH CURRENCY VALUE OF THEMSELVES?

To name a few. I will talk about 5 indicators

1 You love who you are – all parts of you. The good and not so good. When you are able to bring your real self to the table knowing that there are things that you can truly work on because you love yourself.

2 You wake up inspired i.e when you wake up, you feel inspired because you are the person God created you to be and are inspired without any outside motivation. In addition, it is through your connection with God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus brings inside motivation to your life.

3. You are able to connect with others and accept them for who they are, the good, bad, and the ugly because you are able to accept yourself. I love the scripture in  Romans 15:1-2 that is the foundation of our ministry. The scripture tells us to accept one another just as Christ has accepted us.

4 You have a healthy self-confidence in trusting and believing in yourself and not being afraid of failure. You are confident in who God made you be and not afraid of letting that show in a healthy and loving way.

5 You have great self-responsibility. When you have a high currency about yourself you have an understanding of how of being responsible to people and not for people. You are able to let your yes be yes and you are no a no. You are able to take responsibility for taking good care of yourself: your mental, physical, emotional health, and seeking good advice through a prayer partner, healthy counseling. Whatever it takes.

I just wanted to share a few things about discovering your relationship currency but it all begins with you.

I pray as you read this blog that God will begin to stir up loving truths of who you are and how he sees you and my healing come to how you see yourself that you are able to love yourself forgive yourself. That we can celebrate the essence of you.

DISCOVERING YOUR RELATIONSHIP CURRENCY

What does that mean? The term relationship currency began in a discussion I had with a young adult that I mentor. We discussed it in terms of the value one brings to the table with others.

In using the term currency, it really gives a clear picture of what is a high currency rate or a low one.

I consider myself a global citizen. Therefore, when I travel to other countries I check the currency rate. In some places, my money has a higher rate and in other places, I get less because my currency has a low value and I am limited.

Why is it is so important to discover my relationship currency, and what happens when we don’t realize what we bring to the table in connection with others?

In my own personal journey, the Lord began to share with me  His perspective on how He values us. In chapter 1 of Genesis, relationship currency is seen in such a powerful way. God placed value on us even before we were in our mother’s womb and before he created man. He created man in his image and likeness and called it good. Wow! That really touches my heart about how God created us and the making of us.

Is Psalm 8:4-8 in the Passion Translation it reads how God is so mindful of how he created us? Even though HE made us a little lower than the angles HE placed glory, honor, dominion upon us; and authority over the earth. What a powerful revelation of God’s love and the value he placed upon us and in us.

Therefore, when I talk about discovering your relationship currency it begins in us. Therefore, the question is, if God placed value in us and called it good why do we struggle with our self-worth.

Ephesians 1&2, it gives a powerful illustration of how intentional God was on calling us forth and placing a value, gifts talents, and destiny in us. We see that God loves us so much that even when the man was born in sin, he already had a redemption plan in place. He took part himself: Jesus died on the cross to buy us back from sin and death. For the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus truly has set us free from the law of sin and death (Rom 8:2)

We truly have been bought with a price. Sadly many of us have experienced our currency being devalued through dysfunctional systems like broken families, childhood abuse, destructive and harmful relationships, unhealthy church systems, and much, much more.

These experiences rob us of the truth of who we are and the value that we bring to the table. However, there is hope when we allow ourselves to get the help that we need to begin healing and restoration in the value of who we are.

How do we know when the value or currency with ourselves is low?

Here are a few indicators when our currency value is low

1. Low Self-esteem: Self-esteem is how we feel overall about ourselves. Low self-esteem is almost like having self-hatred. Feeling uninspired about ourselves, not liking who we are and what we bring to the table often comes from a place of low self-esteem.
2. Negative words and self-talk. Things that we say privately to ourselves. Things we say to ourselves when we make an honest mistake e.g.) “I’m so stupid”, “I’m worthless”, : how can you be so dumb” and much more
3. People-pleasing– we try to please others in order to try to feel good about ourselves. Therefore, we live from the outside in and try to make people happy as much as we can. One author Danny Silks says, “We become others, happy managers”. We often become slaves to other people’s opinions about ourselves. We are trapped and feel stuck and unable to celebrate who we are.
4. Low confidence. This is often because of the lies we began to believe as children. As a little girl, I used to have very low confidence. I used to believe that I could not do anything because of my disability of having low vision. It prevented me from trying new things at times because I did not have the confidence at the time. Low confidence truly robs you of all the gifts and talents that are embedded inside you. It brings a false distrust in not believing who you are.
5. Lack of being authentic and try to become someone who you are not is all about low currency. We try to assume the persona of whom we admire and in the dynamic of that, we lose who we are in the long term. Some people live a lie concerning who they are. They will make up a false resume of what they have done; they will have an exaggerated opinion of whom they are. They will have a perfectionistic persona that they themselves cannot measure up to. How tragic!

With all this being said of how low currency looks inside you; how does this affect our relationships?

One of the most astounding revelations that I have received is relational dynamics with a person with low currency.

I have observed throughout life myself and in others, how we relate to people when our currency is low.

I call it energy robbers

Back in the 1970s when there was a gas/fuel shortage in my country, people would siphon gas from other people’s cars- they would steal it. That is how I see low currency relationships.

Often time’s people will see who they aspire to be and because they do not have the where with all to bring the energy from their own being to a relationship, they steal from the other person by some of the indicators mentioned. They try and people please or they are not authentic and they try to emulate the character of the person. Therefore, instead of dealing with the energy of their own person when they are in connection, they often cannot keep up with who the person is because their currency is so low. In other words, they take for themselves what the person brings to the table and try to make it theirs.

The problem is it has not been developed on the inside of them in the first place; they run out of energy and cannot keep the level of intimacy and interaction in a relationship.

So you often see people feeling up and down, going in and out of the connection. In my own experience, I have had people siphon gas from me and it left me feeling drained. I could not understand why, because of their need to fulfill their own emotional emptiness they will come, try to siphon my personal joy and excitement for life, and try to make it theirs.

It is truly sad to observe but this happens when one is not comfortable in one’s own skin and who God created them to be.

As a coach and trainer, I developed a couple of seminars and workshops on relationships. One of the concepts I developed is talking about four relational dispositions that people fall into. It is the level of being authentic or lack thereof. More about this in the next blog.